Empress Theresa

Empress Theresa

by Norman Boutin

Author's Blurb (...?):

Theresa is honest, courageous, brilliant, loved by everybody ( even China wants her to take herself out of danger ), happily married, powerful but harmless, thoughtful of others' welfare not just her own, a believer in God, and an inspiration to the young and old. She attacks "impossible" problems with everything she's got and she never gives up. ____ "Those who challenge Theresa Hartley's power are fools" says the Israeli Prime Minister. "She could destroy the world."____ "Don't mess around with Empress Theresa!" says her husband Steve. __ Empress Theresa is what some people would consider impossible, a book about a good girl, with no sex, foul language, or violence, but still giving the reader an action-filled fascinating story. 

My Reaction:

(This is another 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back read, shared with Donald.)

Oh my gosh, I cannot stand Theresa.  She's just—argh!!  The author wants you to think she's some amazing paragon who's brilliant, brave, and wise beyond her years (and hotttt, too, of course).  But as the Empress herself might phrase it, "yeah, well", the truth is that she's an obnoxious, conceited brat of a teenager who just happened to luck into god-like powers.  (Well, sort of.  They're very strange and ill-defined powers, which she wields with all the wisdom, skill, and humility you'd expect from a bratty teenager.) At her worst, she's one of the most hateable characters I've ever come across who isn't an actual serial killer or abusive piece of crap.  Given the way Theresa is described, it's uncomfortable and creepy to remember that this was written by a man in his mid-60s. Is she his fantasy crush or his self-insert character—or both? Ick.

Then there's the science angle. None of it makes any sense, and I'm not just talking about the science fiction stuff.  It's utter insanity, yet presented in such a way that we're obviously meant to be impressed! 

There's unintentional humor, but also intense boredom and confusion and annoyance.  The podcast is the only reason to read this, as far as I'm concerned. 

The Mayor of Noobtown

The Mayor of Noobtown

by Ryan Rimmel

Blurb:

It could be worse. You could be stuck with a literal shoulder demon.

After dying and being reborn into a world that's built like a video game, Jim has found himself stuck in a very old world style new player zone for low level adventurers. Unfortunately, the zone fell out of use centuries ago, and no one told the monsters they were supposed to take it easy on the Noobs. Even worse, the only new player around is Jim.

Jim has been given an opportunity, and he'll do his best to take advantage of it.

My Reaction:

(This was another 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back reading selection.)

Ugh.  
Need I say more?  

I haven't been keeping up with updating my reading list, and I've mercifully forgotten most of the specifics, but I do remember pages of stats (which I skipped without an ounce of guilt), juvenile humor, and literally falling asleep multiple times while struggling to make my way through this book.  

To be fair, when the author finally had some things actually happen, it was more readable (though I wouldn't go so far as to say it was enjoyable), but that was far too late in the book to earn more than a single star from me, I'm afraid. 

I just don't get the success of this book, but the world is a strange place full of mystery and confoundment. 

(As bad as this was, I still say that Shadow Moon and Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff were worse reading experiences for me, personally.)

Owl Be Home for Christmas

Owl Be Home for Christmas (A Very Murder Christmas #2)

by Rosie A. Pointe

Blurb:

With six days to go before Christmas, there’s only one thing on everyone’s minds… Murder!

Holly, local dog walker and amateur sleuth extraordinaire, likes to think she’s her hometown’s answer to the dog whisperer. But owls? That’s another sack of feathers all together. When she’s called out to a rich woman’s home, Holly is shocked when she’s asked to… walk an owl?

No amount of explaining will convince her new client that walking birds is something Holly can’t do. Or that owls are nocturnal creatures. Just when Holly’s ready to give up and go home, her client clasps at her throat, chokes, and keels over. Dead as a doornail.

Holly’s got no idea what happened to her, but with the local Christmas celebrations under threat, she won’t stop until she’s solved the crime.

My Reaction:

I read this tiny novel together with Donald, because (as you may have guessed) it was the annual 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back cozy mystery selection.  It's a tradition now for the podcast to cover a (usually Christmas-themed) cozy mystery sometime around/between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Far from completists, Mike and Conor typically just dip into the middle of series for their cozy mystery reads, and this time was no different.  It's the second in a series of three books (so far).  

Given the nature of the podcast, you wouldn't expect this to be a particularly (objectively) "great" book, and you'd be right.  In my very limited experience of reading cozy mysteries, I find them typically thin on the mystery, but this was an extreme example of that.  There's very little actual investigation, and when you reach the end, there are some big questions left hanging.  (Like how in the heck someone who is deathly allergic to cherries could eat a cake without noticing the cherries stuck inside—after baking and icing/decorating—without seeing... that it's been tampered with... and that there are whole pieces of cherries... in the cake she's eating in broad daylight... I just... Look, why didn't the author go for cherry liqueur or cherry juice or something?!  It's insane!)  

Anyway!  

I found this less fun to read than the other cozy mysteries we've read for the podcast, but I guess they can't all be The Quilters Push Back.  Listening along with the podcast makes it worth reading, but otherwise, I wouldn't bother. 

Deception Point

Deception Point

by Dan Brown

Blurb:

When a new NASA satellite spots evidence of an astonishingly rare object buried deep in the Arctic ice, the floundering space agency proclaims a much-needed victory… a victory that has profound implications for U.S. space policy and the impending presidential election.

With the Oval Office in the balance, the President dispatches White House Intelligence analyst Rachel Sexton to the Milne Ice Shelf to verify the authenticity of the find. Accompanied by a team of experts, including the charismatic academic Michael Tolland, Rachel uncovers the unthinkable—evidence of scientific trickery—a bold deception that threatens to plunge the world into controversy.

But before Rachel can contact the President, she and Michael are attacked by a deadly task force…a private team of assassins controlled by a mysterious powerbroker who will stop at nothing to hide the truth. Fleeing for their lives in an environment as desolate as it is lethal, they possess only one hope, to find out who is behind this masterful ploy. The truth, they will learn, is the most shocking deception of all…

My Reaction:
Read with Donald for the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast/book club.  

It's silly and formulaic, crammed with inaccurate information, much longer than it needs to be, and set at an often agonizingly slow pace, but I still found it more enjoyable to read than some of the other things we've read along with 372 Pages.  

(We've also read Digital Fortress, by the same author—and along with the same podcast—and were amused by some parallels between the two.)

Night of the Crabs

Night of the Crabs

by Guy N. Smith

Blurb:

The Welsh coast basks in summer tranquility, then the drownings begin... Not until the monstrous crustaceans crawl ashore, their pincers poised for destruction, does the world understand the threat it faces....

My Reaction:

This was selected for the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast, and as usual, Donald and I read it together.  

I was expecting this to be a slightly sillier version of Jaws.  (I've never read the book, but I've seen the movie very many times.)  It was even sillier than I'd expected—and surprisingly risqué.  (Perhaps that aspect is less surprising when you read the author's biography and see the other types of "literature" in his bibliography.)  

SPOILERS follow...

The marine biologist/renowned botanist/professor/very "with it" uncle of what's-his-name isn't quite as brilliant as he thinks he is, but then again, everyone in this book is kind of dumb!  

There's an obvious hole in their first big plan to thwart the evil crabs, and everyone is SHOCKED when the plan doesn't work—but then they have another idea that seems so stupid it couldn't possibly work, so of course it does.  

Except... There are no dead crabs under the sea or washing up on shore... And didn't they just go through a time when the crabs were nowhere to be seen... and everyone became complacent... until the crabs resurfaced and killed a whole bunch of people?  Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine this time!  

I don't care for creature-feature monsters that are too impervious to everything that should by rights kill them.  Sure, they're big and armored, but I'm not buying that they're invulnerable to fire or that you can't, you know, aim for their eyes and blind them with good old-fashioned bullets. 

We never do get a satisfying answer as to where they came from—and why only now.   The whole scene with Cliff Davenport (full name, please) spying on the planes at the military base, being shut in "the hole" and then interrogated—leads nowhere!  Very disappointing.  

The only part of the book that actually felt creepy was the poor train engineer (I guess?) who has had a prophetic recurring nightmare about his death that then comes true.  I don't know why, but that gave me a genuine chill.   

Oh well.  The story ends with Cliff Davenport and Pat Benatar Benson heading off to London to marry and live happily ever after (or at least until they learn that the crabs survived, because this is the first of a series of 7—SEVEN!!—books). 

Mars Reborn (Moon People #2)

Mars Reborn (Moon People #2)

by Dale M. Courtney

Blurb:

This Book is based on Earth into a new era of light speed travel thanks to the Powleens from a world called Sybon. And the adventure of 1st Science Officer Commander David Braymer’s journey on board his new ship called the Aurora, ”The Goddess of the Dawn”, Commander Braymer does a successful genesis and Colonization of Mars and resurrects Martians and animals that were frozen 100,000 years with mental powers. With also the war between worlds for control of the Galaxy with Earth and Powleens against the Arcons and the Thracians.

My Reaction:

Donald and I read this together to fill in a gap between books for the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast.  We read the first one along with the podcast, back in 2022, so when we noticed that the rest of the trilogy was available on Kindle Unlimited, we decided to give it a try.  

This would be another great candidate for the podcast, though I don't know if they'll want to return to the series. Lots of fodder here.  It certainly didn't fail to entertain us, and I wouldn't mind reading the last book in the series, one of these days.  It does take some extra effort to read, what with the lack of quotation marks in a very dialogue-heavy book!  I think the comedy value is worth the trouble, though.

Ugly Love

Ugly Love

by Colleen Hoover

Blurb:

When Tate Collins meets airline pilot Miles Archer, she knows it isn’t love at first sight. They wouldn’t even go so far as to consider themselves friends. The only thing Tate and Miles have in common is an undeniable mutual attraction. Once their desires are out in the open, they realize they have the perfect set-up. He doesn’t want love, she doesn’t have time for love, so that just leaves the sex. Their arrangement could be surprisingly seamless, as long as Tate can stick to the only two rules Miles has for her.

Never ask about the past.

Don’t expect a future.

They think they can handle it, but realize almost immediately they can’t handle it at all.

Hearts get infiltrated.

Promises get broken.

Rules get shattered.

Love gets ugly.

My Reaction (with a slight spoiler):

This was a shared read with Donald.  Why?  Because 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back chose it for the podcast.  (And I hope—and believe—that they feel truly sorry for what they've done, this time.)

Years ago, I didn't mind a good romance—and maybe I could be interested in reading romance again, at some point—but this particular kind of romance novel has never and will never be for me.  It's even worse when you're reading it aloud.  You really experience that weapons-grade cringe when you're saying it out loud.  Of course, I didn't actually speak much of it aloud: I made the executive decision to skim over large sections of this book, summarizing as I went, and I'm not even sorry.  It was an essential survival mechanism at work.

Well, I mean, what is there to say about this book?  I hated it and the characters in it.  Miles is a creep and Tate is pathetic.  The two of them together gross me out.  Very little of any interest happens, to the point that a brief description of shopping for curtains and a rug was a high point in the novel.  And boy, is it ever brief!  They literally walk to the store, choose the first things they see in the window, then turn around and leave again.  We're denied even the pleasure of vicarious browsing and comparing a few different options.  Given the choice between an in-depth description of actual shopping and yet another scene of these two "bumping uglies"—to quote Cap—trust me, I would have loved to have read an awkward squabble over curtain fabric, colors, etc., but it wasn't to be.

Again, Tate is infuriatingly weak, Miles acts like such an utter POS jerk (his tragic backstory is no excuse for using Tate and treating her like crap), and a few scenes seemed borderline abusive and were very uncomfortable to read.  Not just the painful sex scenes, either.  The roof-top pool scene where he's following her around and pinning her against the side of the pool gave me chills.  His actions felt almost threatening to me.  He felt more like a potential serial killer than an attentive lover.  (Also, is it just me, or isn't it kind of odd that this guy who's so traumatized by something that involved water would suggest they go swimming?  It just feels strange and unrealistic to me.)

Then there's the center justification thing, which was annoying, too, of course.  

So no, this wasn't a good read for me.  I really disliked this book. Still not as bad as Shadow Moon, though.  That's probably the worst thing I've ever read.

The Legend of Rah & the Muggles

The Legend of Rah & the Muggles

by N.K. Stouffer

Blurb:

In another land far from the shoreline of Aura, war was raging, and Lady Catherine launched a raft with precious cargo aboard, her two infant sons. She wrapped the boys in royal blankets and quilts, and packed a jewel box filled with bright rubies and other gemstones between them. The raft drifted away with no charted destination but the babies' survival.

My Reaction:
Yet another 372-Pages read, shared with Donald, as usual.  

I'm updating my reading blog after four months or so, and I had almost forgotten this one.  How is that even possible?  

Top three things I remember about this book:

1.  You'll get whiplash from the stylistic changes in the beginning of the book.  It starts by recounting a nuclear war that causes (part of) the human race to mutate into a new species, then it turns into a wanna-be Harlequin romance, and then it morphs into a children's fairy-tale fantasy.  All within the first few chapters, if I recall correctly.  (It wanders off into something else later on, but I'll leave that for others to describe...)

2.  So many elements of the story are left hanging.  Zero payoff.  Highly annoying!  

3.  Do you vaguely remember that someone accused J.K. Rowling of plagiarizing her work with the Harry Potter series?  This is that book/author.  It's all absolute nonsense.  

Bonus thing I remember about this book:  There's a song, complete with lyrics and sheet music (though apparently it's as poorly composed as the rest of the book).  Some listeners recorded themselves playing or singing this song, and it still pops into my head from time to time, several weeks later.  Send help. 

The Quilting Cruise

The Quilting Cruise (Miranda Hathaway Adventures #9)

by Mary Devlin Lynch and Beth Devlin-Keune

Blurb:

A cruise for quilters? Who could have thought of such a thing? Not Miranda Hathaway. It combined her favorite hobby with her greatest fear. She was terrified of open water, well, of drowning. But, of course, her BFF Diane talks her into going with the rest of Cutler Quilt Guild #1 and, true to form, she finds herself embroiled in a mystery that involves a quilt instructor and her very dark and shady husband. They have one week to find the truth. Will they? And at what cost?

My Reaction:

Another 372-Pages book, read with Donald.  

This one felt less fun than the other in the same series that the podcast previously covered, but it still had its moments!

Tek Kill

Tek Kill

(TekWar #8)

by William Shatner & Ron Goulart

Blurb:

When his boss is wrongly accused of murder, detective Jake Cardigan finds himself trying to convince police to believe in a known drug user's telepathic visions rather than the videotape evidence they already have.

My Reaction:

Donald and I read this together for the 372-Pages podcast.  It's the second in the series the book club podcast has covered, the previous read being the first of the series.  

I have to admit, I never got the love (if that's the right word) some of the 372-Pages listeners apparently had for TekWar.  There were some unintentionally funny elements, but I found it less appealing than many of the other things we've read.  The story was just bland and very samey, and this one was... well, more of the same.  

I don't have anything to say about this, really.  The podcast episodes were mostly fun, as usual, but I think it was clear that this wasn't a favorite of the hosts, either.  

The main thing I took away from this reading is that in the TekWar universe, nearly everything is fake—plas-this, sub-that, neo, pseudo, etc.—to the point that even plants are all merely holograms.  It's a disturbing vision of the future that I'm glad to leave behind!

Bridge to Bat City

Bridge to Bat City

by Ernest Cline

Blurb:

After losing her mother, thirteen-year-old Opal B. Flats moves in with her uncle Roscoe on the family farm. There, she bonds with Uncle Roscoe over music and befriends a group of orphaned, music-loving bats. But just as the farm is starting to feel like home, the bats’ cave is destroyed by a big mining company with its sights set on the farmland next.

If Opal and the bats can fit in anywhere, it’s the nearby city of Austin, home to their favorite music and a host of wonderfully eccentric characters. But with people afraid of the bats and determined to get rid of them, it’ll take a whole lot of courage to prove that this is where the bats—and Opal—belong.

My Reaction:
Donald and I read this one together for the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast.  

This is one mystifying novel.  I mean, just who was it written for?  It's marketed for "middle grade" readers, i.e. kids aged 8-12, and for the most part, it feels like it's written at that level of complexity—though to be honest, I'm not sure the language has been simplified all that much in comparison with RPO and the author's other novels.  

But on the other hand, so much of the novel is just an excuse to shoe-horn in as many 80s(-ish)-era Austin, Texas "notables" as possible. (In many cases, these people seem to be merely Austin-adjacent.)  Essentially, the subject matter is just nothing that a typical modern child would ever care about.  Heck, I'm in my mid-40s, and I didn't recognize probably half of these so-called celebrities.  

Even if these people (mostly musicians and bands) making cameo appearances had been someone a 9-year-old reading in 2024 would immediately be able to identify, so what?  Reading vague, repetitive descriptions of people (and melomaniac bats!) listening—excuse me, grooving—to music is just not very engaging or entertaining.  

Music is meant to be listened to, darn it!  It would take a more talented writer than this to make it enjoyable to read about a single concert attendance, never mind the numerous gigs presented back to back in this book.  (What in the world was the author thinking?!)

There are other problems with this book I could go into, but why bother?  It's not an entertaining read for an adult, and I can't imagine many of the intended audience will love it, either.  I guess it was just a desperate attempt to make some money based on the author's name recognition.

Kaileb's Dream

Kaileb's Dream

by Kaileb Varney

Blurb:

Once just a dream, now turned into reality the young Master of the White Blades, must fight to save the world. There is always good and evil, and the struggle is just a part of that existence. Having only been a Warrior, (an ancient race born in the early years of recorded history) for a few years this young man, must deal with the responsibility of both his new found power, and life. He must learn to find a balance within the world, and himself.

My Reaction:

This was selected by the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast.  I read this aloud with Donald, as we usually do with the podcast's reading choices.  (As you might imagine, reading aloud only adds to the enjoyment of the rich and unusual language typical of these novels.)

Um... Well, that was an experience.  This is one of the most bizarre books I've ever read, even for 372 Pages, but I have to say that I'd much rather read this than Shadow Moon or Bob Honey... or even Artemis.  At least this one kept me laughing (and wasn't painfully dull, like Artemis' action welding scenes).  

The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery

The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery

by Conor Lastowka, Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett, and Sean Thomason

Blurb:

This hilarious mystery was written serially by the minds behind RiffTrax, with each writer picking up where the last left off.

There’s trouble in Hollywood.

Big surprise, Sheepdip, there’s always trouble in Hollywood. But for Yours Truly, Nick Nolte, private dick, actor, entrepreneur, collector of exotic and often dangerous commodities, and People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1992), Hollywood is a filthy, decaying, half-empty swimming pool, and I’m gonna dive in head-first.

Someone’s kidnapping Hollywood bigwigs? Hell, I wish I’d thought of it first. Clones runnin’ amok from Pismo to Tijuana? Sounds like fun, hand me a gun. A dame in distress willing to hire me for a sack a’ quarters? I’m in. I’ll even put on my best shirt for the job, which is easy, ’cause it’s my only shirt. A diabolical plot to mess with the space-time continuum and take over Tinseltown, maybe the whole damn world? I’m on the case. I might get distracted, or black out a few times, or both, but I won’t stop till I bring in these evil peckerknobs and win the heart of the femme fatale…

…Sorry, blacked out there for a minute. Maybe an hour. Maybe a day—look, who’s counting?

So strap in, Shortpants, it’ll be one full-throttle, mind-twisting, weirdass ride, and I got the wheel. Just hand me that bag a’ pills and that can a’ Sterno and try not to scream so damn much.

—Your Pal,

Nick

My Reaction:

(Donald and I read this together to fill in gaps between 372-Pages podcast episodes.)

This is one crazy ride.  I can recommend it for hardcore Rifftrax fans, but if someone unfamiliar with Rifftrax were to read it, they'd be baffled.  Considering that it wasn't really planned out like a normal novel—and that it was passed along from author to author, chapter by chapter—I don't think it would be fair to critique the plot as I would with a typical book.  There were some laugh-out-loud moments, and I think that's the most you can ask of something that's essentially a strange writing experiment.

I do wish there were some sort of key or something at the end to indicate which person wrote which chapters.  We speculated about that as we read and would've been interested to check the accuracy of our guesses.

Doggone Christmas

Doggone Christmas (Polly Parrett Petsitter #1)

by Liz Dodwell

Blurb:

Polly is juggling the care of her wheelchair-bound mother, her pet-sitting business and the sale of the family home. On top of that she finds herself having to deal with an arrogant but really sexy realtor, and Christmas is coming! None of that seems important, though, when she finds herself in the middle of a murder investigation and must find the real killer before an innocent homeless man and his dog are wrongly convicted.

My Reaction:

Donald and I needed something to fill the gap between 372-Pages books, and it was still in the Christmas-y time of year, so we decided to read another "Christmas cozy" from the podcast's shortlist of cozy mysteries.  We went through the ones not selected this time around and chose one that was available to us for free.  

Well, all I can say is that I think it's a good thing they chose the book they did instead of this one.  I'm sure they could have found things to talk about, but this felt much more like a standard cozy mystery to both of us, compared to the one they ended up choosing.  It's very much what you expect from a cozy mystery.

I've forgotten most of the things that stuck out, but I do recall deciding that the author must be British, because a few words/turns of phrase stuck out to us as not sounding authentically American—someone was described as being "in hospital", for instance.  Just a point of interest!

A Killer Christmas Affair: A Cozy Mystery

A Killer Christmas Affair: A Cozy Mystery

by Sussie Jordan

Blurb:

The Christmas party is in full swing as Darbie and Marisol show off their new business venture, Sunflower Hacienda, as a magnificent Mexican style resort on Lake Travis, when suddenly, Santa is found dead. The Sheriff announces it was an accident. Now it’s up to Darbie and Marisol, with the help of their loveable Saint Berdoodle, to find the killer before anyone else gets hurt and to save their business! Who would want Santa dead?

My Reaction:
Oof, I don't know how to rate this one...!  It's another 372-Pages selection—this year's cozy mystery for the lead-up to Christmas.  It's not uncommon for books featured on this book club podcast to be a bit challenging to rate:  Sometimes I'll rate one highly simply because it was unintentionally hilarious and therefore fun to read.  Other times, my rating more closely aligns with my opinion of the book's... quality (or lack thereof).  This time, there's an extra complication in the fact that so much of the story seems to have been "borrowed" (lifted directly) from another book (one that guides would-be cozy authors through the process of writing Christmas cozy mysteries).  

Well, I can heartily recommend the episodes of the podcast about this book.  The book itself needs a lot of work, to be honest.  I wasn't expecting much complexity, given how short the book is, but there is barely any investigation at all before the guilty party goes nuts and brings everything to a too-hasty conclusion.  Not a satisfying resolution to the mystery, though I have to admit there were some funny bits to enjoy before the precipitous ending.

The Land of the Moepek

The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists: The Land of the Moepek

by Larry Elis and Denise Brown Elise

Blurb:

Three teenagers Billy who is seventeen, Thomas who is sixteen and Rebecca who is fifteen are from Britain and are the children of archaeologists. During a family vacation to Africa they meet Samirah and her two best friends Adam and Atikah. The six teenagers travel through the Pyramid of the Moepek and find their way to the underground city of the Moepek civilization using an ancient map. They not only encounter wild animals, dinosaurs, warriors, and assassins, but also realize they they are prisoners in the strange underground world. There is Naeduur who is the head warrior in charge of protecting the king and his royal family. Naeduur is furious at the six teens for entering into the Land of the Moepek. Naeduur would like nothing more than to destroy the teenagers. There is also Isabella. She is very powerful and can perform all kinds of magic. She will stop at nothing to destroy her enemies and those that get in her way. The Land of the Moepek is full of traitors and plots to destroy the entire royal family. Princess Assuenta with the help of the Teen Archaeologists must work to stop the assassination of her father the king and the destruction of her entire family. Not even her parents believe their daughter the princess. Princess Assuenta must find a way to make them believe or her father will die. The people of the Moepek are an extremely wealthy civilization with riches beyond the teens' imaginations. But all their wealth means nothing if they can't survive the gigantic flying dinosaurs and the gigantic gorilla creature that threatens them.

My Reaction:

(This was another 372-Pages We'll Never Get Back selection and a shared read with Donald.)

So.  What can one say about The Land of the Moepek, really?  It is utterly bananas and hilarious—just read the blurb for a tiny taste of the writing style.  

If you're the right kind of reader, this book (and the podcast episodes devoted to it) will be a source of amazing entertainment.  If you're not, you'll be convinced we're all nuts, my friend.  (Sorry, that was more a reference to the authors' other novel, Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes—also covered by 372 Pages and also highly recommended.)

I'm giving it 5 stars out of appreciation for the joy it gave.  

The Starlight Barking

The Starlight Barking

by Dodie Smith

Blurb:

Dodie Smith's The Hundred and One Dalmatians, later adapted by Disney, was declared a classic when first published in 1956. The Starlight Barking, Dodie's own long-forgotten sequel, is a thrilling new adventure for Pongo and his family, lavishly illustrated by the same artist team as the first book. As the story opens, every living creature except dogs is gripped by an enchanted sleep. One of the original Dalmatian puppies, all grown up since the first novel, is now the Prime Minister's mascot. Relying on her spotted parents for guidance, she assumes emergency leadership for the canine population of England. Awaiting advice from Sirius, the Dog Star, dogs of every breed crowd Trafalgar Square to watch the evening skies. The message they receive is a disturbing proposition, one that might forever destroy their status as "man's best friend."

My Reaction:

(This was another 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back read with Donald.)

It's been decades since I've seen Disney's adaptation of the first book, and I've never read it (though I have read I Capture the Castle multiple times, and seen the film version).  I wasn't sure what to expect from this book, but I certainly wasn't expecting this.  It's... Well, it's just weird.  

It's impossible to say how I'd have felt about this as a member of its target audience—that is, a child, or at least someone who had read and loved the first book as a child.  Would I have found it charming or dull?  As an adult, I found there were a few oddities that stuck out (such as the strange bits about the different dog breeds and the importance of maintaining breed standards), but for the most part it was simply a bit boring.  Some elements were rather dark for children, too (thinking specifically of Sirius' motivation for whisking all the dogs away from Earth, which is a spoiler, but... Eh, I don't think it'll be a problem!)

It's a strange book, to say the least.  

 

I didn't know much about Dodie Smith's life before starting this, and was surprised to learn that she and her husband moved to live in the U.S. during WWII, because he was a conscientious objector.  That's interesting, given some of the jokes made on the 372-Pages podcast.  

I hardly know how to rate this one.  Personally, I didn't enjoy the book. 

Artemis

Artemis

by Andy Weir

Blurb:

Jazz Bashara is a criminal.

Well, sort of. Life on Artemis, the first and only city on the moon, is tough if you're not a rich tourist or an eccentric billionaire. So smuggling in the occasional harmless bit of contraband barely counts, right? Not when you've got debts to pay and your job as a porter barely covers the rent.

Everything changes when Jazz sees the chance to commit the perfect crime, with a reward too lucrative to turn down. But pulling off the impossible is just the start of her problems, as she learns that she's stepped square into a conspiracy for control of Artemis itself—and that now, her only chance at survival lies in a gambit even riskier than the first.

My Reaction:

First things first:  This was another read-along with Donald and the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast.  If you're familiar with the premise of the podcast, well, you know how this review will probably go...

I've never read The Martian, and though I saw the movie, I have only vague memories of it.  A science-y tale of survival on Mars, a celebration of the indomitable, can-do human spirit, and... potatoes?  Definitely something about growing potatoes.  Anyway, that's not a lot, but that's about it.  I remember that the protagonist had a distinctive voice that amounted to lots and lots of jokes—the kind of thing that is funny for a while, but would eventually drive you 'round the bend.  

From what little I recall (and a few hastily skimmed reviews), it seems that the attitude that people found charming in The Martian didn't quite land as well in Artemis.  

The main thing I remember about this book is rolling my eyes at what passes for humor and yawning through the boring parts.  Between the juvenile "comedy" and the science info-dump sections, there wasn't much going on (except for tedious descriptions of someone welding).  The protagonist isn't someone you naturally feel the urge to root for, and the whole thing is just blah.  So, yes, this wasn't impressive, but it's far (FAR) from the worst thing we've read with 372-Pages.  

A couple of specific nit-picks:

--Chekhov's reusable condom just peters out (ha ha, see what I did there?) and comes (hee hee) to nothing.  Talk about anti-climactic (hur hur)!  I was expecting some stupid joke at the very end between Jazz and (redacted)... Something supremely clever and witty, like, "Hey, Xxxxx, wanna go give that reusable condom a spin around the ol' block?"  But no, not even that.  It's just a gross idea with no real payoff.

--Jazz's entire ambition and driving force through most of the novel is to get rich.  She doesn't want to go back to Earth; she only wants a nicer home in Artemis—something roomier than her coffin-room with just a bed and a communal bathroom down the hall.  She wants a shower of her own, somewhere to cook, etc.  

Hm.  Sounds like homes in Artemis must be prohibitively expensive!  Except... Did I miss something?  

One of her friends, Svoboda, has a place that sounds an awful lot like what she wants, and while he's intelligent and reasonably successful, I don't think he's supposed to be particularly wealthy.  Also, Jazz's father also has a place of his own, right?  It seems like a lot of people on Artemis do...

So why is Jazz's dream out of reach without some once-in-a-lifetime "big score"?  Why can't she just do a normal job, save a bit, and earn enough for a decent home?  She's supposed to be so amazingly bright that it should be easy for her to find a job that pays well enough for that.  I just don't get it.  (Okay, I just remembered, thanks to the blurb, that she has "debts" to pay, but still.  I don't think it makes much sense that she's struggling this hard.)

Actually, a lot of things (economics, population) don't hold up well to serious scrutiny.  If I were having fun while reading, I might not be tempted to pick holes, but without entertainment value, the mind wanders. 

Overall?  No, not a good read for me.  

Edison's Conquest of Mars

Edison's Conquest of Mars

by Garrett P. Serviss

My Blurb:

One edition falsely describes this as "an absolutely wonderful SF masterpiece", but then says it was written in 1947, so that shows how much they know!  It's actually a newspaper serial first published in the late 1800s.  Anyway... the same blurb that got the year wrong goes on to say the following:

"Edison's Conquest of Mars is a science fiction novel by American astronomer and writer Garrett P. Serviss. It was written as a sequel to Fighters from Mars, an unauthorized and heavily altered version of H. G. Wells' The War of the Worlds. It has a place in the history of science fiction for its early employment of themes and motifs that later became staples of the genre."

Following the events of The War of the Worlds, in which Martians attack and lay waste to huge areas of Earth, humans across the globe must rally an effort to defend their planet from a repeat attack.  Fortunately for them, they are led by that amazing inventor and heroic warrior... Thomas Edison!  Will their efforts succeed (as is heavily implied by the title of this book)?  You'll have to read to find out! (Or not.  The title kind of gives it away, really.)

My Reaction:

Donald and I read this together for the 372 Pages We Won't Get Back podcast/book club.  

I haven't read much (any?) "space-themed" science fiction, though I've watched my share of TV shows and movies set in space.  Serviss apparently was the first or one of the first authors to write about... space suits, I think it was.  He also has a few other ideas that will be familiar to anyone who reads, views, or otherwise consumes space-y sci-fi.  

I give him credit for his creativity, but sadly, he wasn't much of a fiction-writer.  He had terrible pacing, practically no attempt at characterization, only the most barebone plot, and zero flair for storytelling.  Just awful, really.  Maybe a child without any expectations or experience of quality writing might enjoy this.  For everyone else, it's a curiosity, at best.  The occasional moments of unintended humor are the best thing this has going for it.  

One thing that particularly annoyed me about this book:

On the one hand, Serviss' version of Edison is an unapparelled genius, in this tale.  He reverse engineers alien technology (only his version is even better, don'tchaknow), conceptualizes and whips up new inventions and improvements on the fly (all behind the scenes, of course), and basically has the most amazing brain God has ever given a man.  

On the other hand, he continually makes idiotic strategic mistakes, at the cost of the other men's lives!  

"Hey!  There are some Martians coming!  Mr. Edison, should we use our powerful weapons to safely destroy them before they get too close, seeing as how they tried to annihilate us all on Earth just a while ago?"  

Edison says no.  Let's just wait and see what happens, first.  

Shocking surprise:  The Martians attack.  Many men are killed.

Edison:  "Oopsie!  Well, okay... Yeah, let's use our death ray... I guess..."  

And he never learns!  Some variation on this happens at least a few different times.  When you're on a mission to Mars to avenge Earth and protect it from further harm, you don't dilly-dally and pussyfoot, man!  You kill-kill-kill until every last Martian is dead.  (Or at least that's what I'd do, probably.  Hey, they started it with an unprovoked attack, and for all Edison's genius, it was only by a stroke of fortune that Earth's heroes were able to achieve the "conquest".  The Martians would be very lucky if I left any of them alive.)

Conclusion:  Glad to leave this one behind!

 

Murder in Christmas River

Murder in Christmas River
by Meg Muldoon

Blurb:

Cinnamon Peters is one tough cookie.

Every year at Christmas River’s annual Gingerbread Junction Competition, pie baker extraordinaire Cinnamon aims to win, taking down any competitor who gets in her way. But when she finds a dead body in the woods behind her pie shop just days before the big competition, Cinnamon realizes that there’s much more to worry about than cookies, frosting, and gumdrops.

Someone’s out to bring Cinnamon down. And they’re playing dirty. Only Cinnamon and a mysterious stranger who walks into her life one snowy evening can figure out the mystery.  But can they solve it before Cinnamon’s chances of gingerbread competition glory crumble?

My Reaction:

Yet another 372-Pages podcast/bookclub selection!  (Shared read with Donald, as usual.)

I don't have much of a reaction to this, aside from the podcast element.  It's not my personal cup of peppermint tea.  (Not that I drink peppermint tea; I don't.  The only tea I ever drink is sweet iced tea, and that's only at family get-togethers, these days...  But peppermint tea felt seasonally appropriate, so...)  

I've only ever read a few cozy mysteries, so I'm not really familiar enough with the genre to be an effective judge of them, but this was not nearly cozy enough for my tastes.  In my opinion, you should either go heavy on the cozy or just call yourself a regular mystery.  This was neither cozy nor much of a real mystery, so I'm not sure what I'd call it... A bland romance with an extremely lightweight mystery element, maybe.  Cinnamon, the protagonist, was ridiculously morose and self-pitying, as well, which made for a less interesting reading experience.

As for humor, there were a few moments of unintended mirth, but this was not one of the best 372-Pages selections.  Not one I believe will stay with me, particularly.  Even though there was a dog!  Even a cute dog couldn't save this one...