The Mayor of Noobtown

The Mayor of Noobtown

by Ryan Rimmel

Blurb:

It could be worse. You could be stuck with a literal shoulder demon.

After dying and being reborn into a world that's built like a video game, Jim has found himself stuck in a very old world style new player zone for low level adventurers. Unfortunately, the zone fell out of use centuries ago, and no one told the monsters they were supposed to take it easy on the Noobs. Even worse, the only new player around is Jim.

Jim has been given an opportunity, and he'll do his best to take advantage of it.

My Reaction:

(This was another 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back reading selection.)

Ugh.  
Need I say more?  

I haven't been keeping up with updating my reading list, and I've mercifully forgotten most of the specifics, but I do remember pages of stats (which I skipped without an ounce of guilt), juvenile humor, and literally falling asleep multiple times while struggling to make my way through this book.  

To be fair, when the author finally had some things actually happen, it was more readable (though I wouldn't go so far as to say it was enjoyable), but that was far too late in the book to earn more than a single star from me, I'm afraid. 

I just don't get the success of this book, but the world is a strange place full of mystery and confoundment. 

(As bad as this was, I still say that Shadow Moon and Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff were worse reading experiences for me, personally.)

The Legend of Rah & the Muggles

The Legend of Rah & the Muggles

by N.K. Stouffer

Blurb:

In another land far from the shoreline of Aura, war was raging, and Lady Catherine launched a raft with precious cargo aboard, her two infant sons. She wrapped the boys in royal blankets and quilts, and packed a jewel box filled with bright rubies and other gemstones between them. The raft drifted away with no charted destination but the babies' survival.

My Reaction:
Yet another 372-Pages read, shared with Donald, as usual.  

I'm updating my reading blog after four months or so, and I had almost forgotten this one.  How is that even possible?  

Top three things I remember about this book:

1.  You'll get whiplash from the stylistic changes in the beginning of the book.  It starts by recounting a nuclear war that causes (part of) the human race to mutate into a new species, then it turns into a wanna-be Harlequin romance, and then it morphs into a children's fairy-tale fantasy.  All within the first few chapters, if I recall correctly.  (It wanders off into something else later on, but I'll leave that for others to describe...)

2.  So many elements of the story are left hanging.  Zero payoff.  Highly annoying!  

3.  Do you vaguely remember that someone accused J.K. Rowling of plagiarizing her work with the Harry Potter series?  This is that book/author.  It's all absolute nonsense.  

Bonus thing I remember about this book:  There's a song, complete with lyrics and sheet music (though apparently it's as poorly composed as the rest of the book).  Some listeners recorded themselves playing or singing this song, and it still pops into my head from time to time, several weeks later.  Send help. 

Bridge to Bat City

Bridge to Bat City

by Ernest Cline

Blurb:

After losing her mother, thirteen-year-old Opal B. Flats moves in with her uncle Roscoe on the family farm. There, she bonds with Uncle Roscoe over music and befriends a group of orphaned, music-loving bats. But just as the farm is starting to feel like home, the bats’ cave is destroyed by a big mining company with its sights set on the farmland next.

If Opal and the bats can fit in anywhere, it’s the nearby city of Austin, home to their favorite music and a host of wonderfully eccentric characters. But with people afraid of the bats and determined to get rid of them, it’ll take a whole lot of courage to prove that this is where the bats—and Opal—belong.

My Reaction:
Donald and I read this one together for the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast.  

This is one mystifying novel.  I mean, just who was it written for?  It's marketed for "middle grade" readers, i.e. kids aged 8-12, and for the most part, it feels like it's written at that level of complexity—though to be honest, I'm not sure the language has been simplified all that much in comparison with RPO and the author's other novels.  

But on the other hand, so much of the novel is just an excuse to shoe-horn in as many 80s(-ish)-era Austin, Texas "notables" as possible. (In many cases, these people seem to be merely Austin-adjacent.)  Essentially, the subject matter is just nothing that a typical modern child would ever care about.  Heck, I'm in my mid-40s, and I didn't recognize probably half of these so-called celebrities.  

Even if these people (mostly musicians and bands) making cameo appearances had been someone a 9-year-old reading in 2024 would immediately be able to identify, so what?  Reading vague, repetitive descriptions of people (and melomaniac bats!) listening—excuse me, grooving—to music is just not very engaging or entertaining.  

Music is meant to be listened to, darn it!  It would take a more talented writer than this to make it enjoyable to read about a single concert attendance, never mind the numerous gigs presented back to back in this book.  (What in the world was the author thinking?!)

There are other problems with this book I could go into, but why bother?  It's not an entertaining read for an adult, and I can't imagine many of the intended audience will love it, either.  I guess it was just a desperate attempt to make some money based on the author's name recognition.

Kaileb's Dream

Kaileb's Dream

by Kaileb Varney

Blurb:

Once just a dream, now turned into reality the young Master of the White Blades, must fight to save the world. There is always good and evil, and the struggle is just a part of that existence. Having only been a Warrior, (an ancient race born in the early years of recorded history) for a few years this young man, must deal with the responsibility of both his new found power, and life. He must learn to find a balance within the world, and himself.

My Reaction:

This was selected by the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast.  I read this aloud with Donald, as we usually do with the podcast's reading choices.  (As you might imagine, reading aloud only adds to the enjoyment of the rich and unusual language typical of these novels.)

Um... Well, that was an experience.  This is one of the most bizarre books I've ever read, even for 372 Pages, but I have to say that I'd much rather read this than Shadow Moon or Bob Honey... or even Artemis.  At least this one kept me laughing (and wasn't painfully dull, like Artemis' action welding scenes).  

The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery

The Naked Clone: A Nick Nolte Mystery

by Conor Lastowka, Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett, and Sean Thomason

Blurb:

This hilarious mystery was written serially by the minds behind RiffTrax, with each writer picking up where the last left off.

There’s trouble in Hollywood.

Big surprise, Sheepdip, there’s always trouble in Hollywood. But for Yours Truly, Nick Nolte, private dick, actor, entrepreneur, collector of exotic and often dangerous commodities, and People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1992), Hollywood is a filthy, decaying, half-empty swimming pool, and I’m gonna dive in head-first.

Someone’s kidnapping Hollywood bigwigs? Hell, I wish I’d thought of it first. Clones runnin’ amok from Pismo to Tijuana? Sounds like fun, hand me a gun. A dame in distress willing to hire me for a sack a’ quarters? I’m in. I’ll even put on my best shirt for the job, which is easy, ’cause it’s my only shirt. A diabolical plot to mess with the space-time continuum and take over Tinseltown, maybe the whole damn world? I’m on the case. I might get distracted, or black out a few times, or both, but I won’t stop till I bring in these evil peckerknobs and win the heart of the femme fatale…

…Sorry, blacked out there for a minute. Maybe an hour. Maybe a day—look, who’s counting?

So strap in, Shortpants, it’ll be one full-throttle, mind-twisting, weirdass ride, and I got the wheel. Just hand me that bag a’ pills and that can a’ Sterno and try not to scream so damn much.

—Your Pal,

Nick

My Reaction:

(Donald and I read this together to fill in gaps between 372-Pages podcast episodes.)

This is one crazy ride.  I can recommend it for hardcore Rifftrax fans, but if someone unfamiliar with Rifftrax were to read it, they'd be baffled.  Considering that it wasn't really planned out like a normal novel—and that it was passed along from author to author, chapter by chapter—I don't think it would be fair to critique the plot as I would with a typical book.  There were some laugh-out-loud moments, and I think that's the most you can ask of something that's essentially a strange writing experiment.

I do wish there were some sort of key or something at the end to indicate which person wrote which chapters.  We speculated about that as we read and would've been interested to check the accuracy of our guesses.

The Land of the Moepek

The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists: The Land of the Moepek

by Larry Elis and Denise Brown Elise

Blurb:

Three teenagers Billy who is seventeen, Thomas who is sixteen and Rebecca who is fifteen are from Britain and are the children of archaeologists. During a family vacation to Africa they meet Samirah and her two best friends Adam and Atikah. The six teenagers travel through the Pyramid of the Moepek and find their way to the underground city of the Moepek civilization using an ancient map. They not only encounter wild animals, dinosaurs, warriors, and assassins, but also realize they they are prisoners in the strange underground world. There is Naeduur who is the head warrior in charge of protecting the king and his royal family. Naeduur is furious at the six teens for entering into the Land of the Moepek. Naeduur would like nothing more than to destroy the teenagers. There is also Isabella. She is very powerful and can perform all kinds of magic. She will stop at nothing to destroy her enemies and those that get in her way. The Land of the Moepek is full of traitors and plots to destroy the entire royal family. Princess Assuenta with the help of the Teen Archaeologists must work to stop the assassination of her father the king and the destruction of her entire family. Not even her parents believe their daughter the princess. Princess Assuenta must find a way to make them believe or her father will die. The people of the Moepek are an extremely wealthy civilization with riches beyond the teens' imaginations. But all their wealth means nothing if they can't survive the gigantic flying dinosaurs and the gigantic gorilla creature that threatens them.

My Reaction:

(This was another 372-Pages We'll Never Get Back selection and a shared read with Donald.)

So.  What can one say about The Land of the Moepek, really?  It is utterly bananas and hilarious—just read the blurb for a tiny taste of the writing style.  

If you're the right kind of reader, this book (and the podcast episodes devoted to it) will be a source of amazing entertainment.  If you're not, you'll be convinced we're all nuts, my friend.  (Sorry, that was more a reference to the authors' other novel, Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes—also covered by 372 Pages and also highly recommended.)

I'm giving it 5 stars out of appreciation for the joy it gave.  

The Starlight Barking

The Starlight Barking

by Dodie Smith

Blurb:

Dodie Smith's The Hundred and One Dalmatians, later adapted by Disney, was declared a classic when first published in 1956. The Starlight Barking, Dodie's own long-forgotten sequel, is a thrilling new adventure for Pongo and his family, lavishly illustrated by the same artist team as the first book. As the story opens, every living creature except dogs is gripped by an enchanted sleep. One of the original Dalmatian puppies, all grown up since the first novel, is now the Prime Minister's mascot. Relying on her spotted parents for guidance, she assumes emergency leadership for the canine population of England. Awaiting advice from Sirius, the Dog Star, dogs of every breed crowd Trafalgar Square to watch the evening skies. The message they receive is a disturbing proposition, one that might forever destroy their status as "man's best friend."

My Reaction:

(This was another 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back read with Donald.)

It's been decades since I've seen Disney's adaptation of the first book, and I've never read it (though I have read I Capture the Castle multiple times, and seen the film version).  I wasn't sure what to expect from this book, but I certainly wasn't expecting this.  It's... Well, it's just weird.  

It's impossible to say how I'd have felt about this as a member of its target audience—that is, a child, or at least someone who had read and loved the first book as a child.  Would I have found it charming or dull?  As an adult, I found there were a few oddities that stuck out (such as the strange bits about the different dog breeds and the importance of maintaining breed standards), but for the most part it was simply a bit boring.  Some elements were rather dark for children, too (thinking specifically of Sirius' motivation for whisking all the dogs away from Earth, which is a spoiler, but... Eh, I don't think it'll be a problem!)

It's a strange book, to say the least.  

 

I didn't know much about Dodie Smith's life before starting this, and was surprised to learn that she and her husband moved to live in the U.S. during WWII, because he was a conscientious objector.  That's interesting, given some of the jokes made on the 372-Pages podcast.  

I hardly know how to rate this one.  Personally, I didn't enjoy the book. 

Daisy Darker

Daisy Darker

by Alice Feeney

(Edited) Blurb:

After years of avoiding each other, Daisy Darker’s entire family is assembling for Nana’s 80th birthday party in Nana’s crumbling gothic house on a tiny tidal island. Finally back together one last time, when the tide comes in, they will be cut off from the rest of the world for eight hours.  

Trapped on an island where someone is killing them one by one, the Darkers must reckon with their present mystery as well as their past secrets, before the tide comes in and all is revealed.

My Reaction:

I listened to the audiobook version of this novel while quilting, and found it entertaining... Until I didn't.  

—I loved the setting and the quirky details of the house.  Islands cut off by the tide are always a favorite!

—I loved the fact that it was obviously inspired by And Then There Were None.  

—I was intrigued by the mystery, and unlike some, I didn't mind alternating between the "then" and "now" timelines.  (Though to be honest, I've seen so much of that lately!  Maybe it's time for authors of thrillers to try something different, if only to set themselves apart from the rest.)

So yes, I was enjoying it, to begin with, but gradually a few things diminished that enjoyment.  

First:  
These characters!  Almost everyone is awful.  I know, I know!  You need conflict, and awful characters provide that.  The quality of a book isn't dependent on the likeability of the characters, etc., etc.  Yes, but the fact remains that if too many of your characters are just horrid, reading the book becomes an unpleasant experience.  And yes, I did say that I was happy that it was inspired by And Then There Were None, which is also full of awful characters... Look, I don't know what to say, except that while listening to this, I eventually had had enough of ALL of these people!

Second: 

The writing style was quaint and entertaining, in the beginning, but at some point I started to feel slightly annoyed by the "clever sayings" and "deep thoughts" generously sprinkled throughout the novel, both in dialogue and interior monologue.  Some of them are interesting or thought-provoking, but after a while they felt repetitive and irritating.

Third:

Predictable twists that kind of annoyed me.  I saw some of the twists coming, and I didn't love them.  The main twist in particular is just... Eh.  Maybe it didn't help that there was a similar(ish) twist in the last audiobook I listened to.  Maybe I didn't like it simply because it's so sad. 

Fourth:

Some of the motivations didn't make much sense to me.  To be fair, people's motivations in real life don't always make sense, either, so maybe it's not exactly unrealistic!  Still, it dragged down the end of the story, for me.  I spent too much time thinking, "Really?  Well, okay then!"

However—over all, yes, I liked it.  Despite my misgivings about certain aspects of this one, I think I'll round it up to four stars.  

A few SPOILERY final thoughts:

S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S

I do have a question, though, about what happened to all those bodies at the end of the book!  What's going to happen when someone starts looking for one of these people?  Some of them were employed and would have people expecting them back at work within a few days!

END

OF

SPOILERS

Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes

Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes

by Denise Brown Ellis and Larry Ellis

My Blurb:

Take hunks, chunks, and nuggets of ideas from some of the best-selling and most beloved fantasy novels and movies of the past hundred years.  Chop them up and reassemble them haphazardly.  Throw in some cuckoo ideas of your own to counterbalance the clichés and tropes.  Apply a liberal dose of exclamation marks-- and voilà!  You have this book!  

My Reaction:

(This was another reading assignment for the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back book club podcast.  As such, it was a shared read-aloud with Donald.)  

Well.  What is there to say?  Where can you even begin?  Taken as a serious effort, this is not good.  It borrows too heavily from better works, characters are cardboard cutouts, it's repetitive and poorly-paced, and there are errors, plot holes (in the thinnest plot imaginable), and way too many exclamation marks.  

However, this is one of those books you simply can't judge against the same standard as a normal book, especially when you go into it knowing it's not a good book (by any stretch of the imagination).  It was a lot of fun to read and dissect, even without taking the podcast into account.  As much as it "borrows" blatantly steals from fantasy classics, it also occasionally throws a curve ball that you would never see coming, even if you were to spend hours guessing.  And ultimately, it has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments, which is more than I can say about many objectively better-written books I've read!

Modelland

Modelland

by Tyra Banks

Blurb:

No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème isn’t expecting an invitation. Modelland—the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain—never dares to make an appearance in her dreams.

But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls have joined her.

Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each year. Famous. Worshipped. Magical. What happens to those who don’t make it? Well, no one really speaks of that. Some things are better left unsaid.

Thrown into a world where she doesn’t seem to belong, Tookie glimpses a future that could be hers—if she survives the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp. Or could it? Dark rumors like silken threads swirl around the question of why Tookie and her new friends were selected . . . and the shadows around Modelland hide sinister secrets.

Are you ready? Modelland is waiting for you. . . .

My Reaction:

We read this along with the "372 Pages We'll Never Get Back" book-club podcast.  

This is one of the most bizarre books I've ever read, even for 372-Pages!  (It's not the worst thing we've read, though.  Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff was literally unreadable, in my opinion, and Shadow Moon was the most awful, painful slog of anything we've read for the book-club.)

As I was saying, this novel is just one weird thing after another.  There are times that you can see where she probably drew inspiration (from Harry Potter, for instance), but more often than not, I had no idea what would happen next, because it's just that kooky.  (Kooky Tookie.)

While I didn't enjoy the book, per se, it was certainly interesting, in its way.  I'm curious what the author had planned for the rest of the books in this series.  It was meant to be a trilogy, I believe, but after this novel's lack of success, it seems unlikely the other books will ever be written, even though Tyra Banks is moving forward with other "Modelland"-related projects.  I wouldn't really want to read another book set in this universe, but I'd be curious enough to skim a synopsis.  (There were quite a few unanswered questions at the end of "Book 1".)

Modelland revealed some odd things about its creator.  For instance, there's some real animosity toward actors here, which is a bit funny coming from a supermodel.  Then there are the strange ideas about what's romantic or sexy in a brand-new relationship between teenagers.  Jumping right to thumbs in mouths?  Smoothing your beloved's eyebrows with saliva on your thumb? (Ugh, so disgusting!  Please, don't rub your spit on someone's face as a sign of affection or desire!)

The very long section of "Acknowledgements" at the end was almost sad to read.  It felt so optimistic about this novel's chances of success, referring to future books in the series... The way she documented exactly where different parts of the book were written (for posterity), because surely the legions of adoring fans would be agog to learn every little detail about the creation of this beloved work of fiction... Yeah, kind of sad, until I reminded myself that the author is extremely wealthy and is a famous model/TV personality/whatever else she does/has done.  I'm sure she bounced right back from any disappointment over this book's reception! 

My Immortal

My Immortal
by Tara Gilesbie


My Blurb:

This Harry Potter fanfic follows the trials and tribulations (and the bizarre wardrobe choices) of Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, proud goth and vampire, after she enrolls at Hogwarts. She meets all the most notable characters from the Harry Potter universe, but you won't recognize them, because in this fic, none have any depth or retain any of their canon characteristics/personality traits-- to the point that most have been transformed into vampires and have even been renamed to sound more "goff" for this hilariously bad exercise in wish-fulfillment.  It is a truly epic example of the Mary Sue. 

(Or IS IT?!?!)

My Reaction:
(This was a shared read-aloud with Donald.)

It's another 372-Pages bookclub podcast selection!

Once we began reading this, I realized that I'd started it years before after seeing it mentioned online. I didn't get very far back then, but this time around, I loved every poorly written sentence.

I simply can't believe that this could possibly be "real". There's no question that there are some staggeringly terrible writers out there, but this... this is probably too outrageously, entertainingly awful to be true. Some of the malapropisms are just too, too perfect. (Tom Bombadil, anyone?) And the way that characters can do absolutely anything "sexily"... It's just not possible that this could be real. (Right?)

Anyway, I suppose it doesn't matter whether or not it's actually "sincere", so long as the author and her audience enjoy(ed) the experience. We laughed and laughed while reading-- and having the podcast to go along with it is just the cherry on top!

Shadow Moon

Shadow Moon
by Chris Claremont and George Lucas


Blurb:

War and chaos have gripped the land of Tir Asleen. An ancient prophecy reveals one hope: a savior princess who will ascend to the throne when the time is right. But first, a Nelwyn wanderer must face forces of unimaginable malevolence and dangerous, forbidden rites of necromancy that could bring back a powerful warrior from soulless sleep.

My Reaction:
Shadow Moon was the latest selection for the 372-Pages podcast (and a shared read-aloud with Donald). I can safely say that I would never have read this book, otherwise. I hadn't even seen Willow until shortly before starting the book-- in preparation for reading-- and neither movie nor novel were especially appealing to me.

(I think that I have some resistance to new-to-me fantasy novels, though I usually enjoy them well enough once I start. I just never believe I will like it, for some reason. It doesn't tantalize me like some genres do. I was more open to fantasy as a younger reader, and maybe it's time to give some of it a try. Part of the problem is that fantasy = looooong books, in my mind, and that's a turn-off.)

Anyway, the 372-Pages verdict was that this is the worst thing they've read to date. I certainly didn't enjoy the book, and there were times when I dreaded reading it, but I can't agree that it's the worst. No, for all its many faults, Shadow Moon is not as bad as Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff, in my opinion, though I can see why Mike and Conor might disagree. (Bob Honey had more in the way of comedy fodder, and ultimately I think it comes down to the sheer number of pages and words. This was a long, long book. At least the steaming pile of crap that is Bob Honey was short. Still too long for me to endure, though. The only DNF of the podcast, so far.)

So... Shadow Moon... The chief problems are as follows:

-- If you read it because you liked Willow, you'll be disappointed by the fact that there's almost an entirely new cast of characters, and even the ones from the movie who do survive into the bulk of the book are changed to the point of being nearly unrecognizable.

-- What passes for a plot is stretched thin, and it moves at a snail's pace.

-- The characters aren't endearing or even interesting. Some are mere cardboard cutouts.

-- The descriptions of "magic" are far too long and repetitive. I would've been okay with a little of it, but honestly, at some point, you just stop caring. The endless descriptions of Thorn suffering agonies or being exhausted likewise hold little appeal. When a character bounces right back from being ripped apart on the molecular level (or something like that), there's no chance of anything ever truly harming him, so why even bother paying attention?

-- There's nothing good or enjoyable in this world, apparently, and the whole book is very "blah". A well-plotted, fast-moving dystopian novel is one thing, but in something as sluggish as this, it's just one more reason to not want to bother.

I was vaguely curious about how the story progresses into the second and third books-- though not curious enough to want to read the books!-- so I looked them up online. I've had no luck finding a detailed synopsis or answers to my specific questions. It's a fittingly dissatisfying end to my experience with this novel.

I was considering awarding the book 1.5 stars rounded up to 2, mostly in reaction to the mere suggestion that Bob Honey is the superior work... But after writing this review, I realize that I can't do it. This is a one-star book, I'm afraid.

Good Omens

Good Omens
by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman


Blurb:

According to The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (the world's only completely accurate book of prophecies, written in 1655, before she exploded), the world will end on a Saturday. Next Saturday, in fact. Just before dinner. 

So the armies of Good and Evil are amassing, Atlantis is rising, frogs are falling, tempers are flaring. Everything appears to be going according to Divine Plan. Except a somewhat fussy angel and a fast-living demon—both of whom have lived amongst Earth's mortals since The Beginning and have grown rather fond of the lifestyle—are not actually looking forward to the coming Rapture.

And someone seems to have misplaced the Antichrist . . .

My Reaction:
Donald and I wanted to read the book before watching the recent miniseries based on it-- so this is a continuation of the unplanned, unintentional "tradition" that I only read Pratchett with him and never on my own.  It's also the first thing I've read of Neil Gaiman's, but since it was a joint effort, I'm not sure which aspects were contributed by each author... However, the fact that we enjoyed the book may mean that we (or just I) should try something he wrote on his own, at some point.

As is usually the case with shared reads, I don't really have any specific observations to make.  It's pretty simple: We enjoyed the book, and now I'm looking forward to seeing the adaptation.

...Okay, I thought of one specific observation.  I didn't enjoy the parts with Adam and the Them that much. Occasionally "their sections" of the book would offer up something truly amusing (and I did like Dog), but generally, I found their discussions a bit wearing, and I was glad when the story left them again. I could have done with less of the Them, to be honest.

The Eye of Argon

The Eye of Argon
by Jim Theis


Blurb:

This is not a hoax. Jim Theis was a real person, who wrote The Eye of Argon in all seriousness as a teenager, and published it in a fanzine, Osfan, in 1970. But the story did not pass into the oblivion that awaits most amateur fiction. Instead, a miracle happened, and transcribed and photocopied texts began to circulate in science fiction circles, gaining a wide and incredulous audience among both professionals and fans. It became the ultimate samizdat, an underground classic, and for more than thirty years it has been the subject of midnight readings at conventions, as thousands have come to appreciate the negative genius of this amazing Ed Wood of prose.

My Reaction:
Donald and I read this... long short story? extremely brief novella?... together after seeing that it had been chosen for the "book club podcast" 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back.  I'd never heard of it before this and can almost guarantee that, were it not for the podcast, would never have read it.

It's such a short work that you can't really write much about it without giving away what passes for the plot.  Suffice it to say that it's amazingly bad-- yet perversely entertaining.  This has undoubtedly been the most fun I've had reading something so poorly written.

It must be experienced to be fully appreciated.  I might have shared a quote to tempt you, at this point, but there are too many dizzyingly awful ones to choose among; I couldn't do it!  However, it's available for free online (be sure to find a version with the illustrations), and it doesn't take long to read.  If you're a connoisseur of bad literature, it's not to be missed.

Like other reviewers before me, I don't know how to rate The Eye of Argon!  Is it one star because the writing is so unfathomably atrocious-- or five stars because it had us howling with laughter?  A three-star rating seems impossible, because there's nothing mediocre about this... this... whatever it is.

The Fifth Elephant

The Fifth Elephant
by Terry Pratchett


Blurb:

They say that diplomacy is a gentle art. That its finest practitioners are subtle, sophisticated individuals for whom nuance and subtext are meat and drink. And that mastering it is a lifetime's work. But you do need a certain inclination in that direction. It's not something you can just pick up on the job. 

Which is a shame if you find yourself dropped unaccountably into a position of some significant diplomatic responsibility. If you don't really do diplomacy or haven't been to school with the right foreign bigwigs or aren't even sure whether a nod is as good as a wink to anyone, sighted or otherwise, then things are likely to go wrong. It's just a question of how badly...

My Reaction:
Has it really been over three years since we read Jingo (the previous book in this series)?  I can't believe how fast the time goes...

I've only ever read Pratchett as a shared, read-aloud experience, and I think we usually select one of his novels at Donald's suggestion.  I enjoy Pratchett's work while I'm reading it, but it doesn't seem to leave a lasting impression on me, other than a vague memory of "generally amusing".  Part of the problem is that I just don't connect with his work emotionally, for some reason.  (Well, maybe with poor little Gaspode... What can I say?  I have a soft spot for dogs!)

So, knowing how I typically react to Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant was as expected.  It was entertaining.  Parts of it were very funny.  I enjoyed reading it (except maybe for a few parts, such as some of the comparatively dull dwarf stuff... and Angua's angst, which merely annoyed me, because evidently I'm not a huge Angua fan).

It was a good experience, all told-- but no matter how many of these books I read, I don't think I'll ever feel like I truly care about most of these characters or think about them unprompted in my daily life, the way you do with some of your favorite books and characters.

The next time Donald suggests Pratchett, I'll probably give my usual mental shrug.  "Eh, yeah, ok.  Might as well."  I'm sure I'll enjoy it once we're reading, but the prospect won't fill me with great excitement, because it never does!  (I even feel a little guilty about it, but there it is!)

However, because I do enjoy (most of) the reading in the moment, I'll grant this one 3.75 stars and round up to four.

Bryony and Roses

Bryony and Roses

by T. Kingfisher

Blurb:

Bryony and her sisters have come down in the world. Their merchant father died trying to reclaim his fortune and left them to eke out a living in a village far from their home in the city.

But when Bryony is caught in a snowstorm and takes refuge in an abandoned manor, she stumbles into a house full of dark enchantments. Is the Beast that lives there her captor, or a fellow prisoner? Is the house her enemy or her ally? And why are roses blooming out of season in the courtyard?

Armed only with gardening shears and her wits, Bryony must untangle the secrets of the house before she—or the Beast—are swallowed by them.

My Reaction:
Yes, this is a retelling of "Beauty and the Beast"-- and the author acknowledges in a note at the beginning that she read and loved Robin McKinley's Rose Daughter, an earlier B&tB retelling, which I read for the first time fairly recently (within the past year).

I imagine that-- with the exception of the lesser-known tales-- most of us read these fairy tale retellings because we love the original story.  (Otherwise, why bother, right?)  Maybe we want to see the story from a fresh perspective; maybe we just want to reread an old favorite without knowing exactly what will happen-- and when and how and why.  Usually the author puts a new twist on the old story (with varying levels of success), but for the most part, you go in knowing the gist of the story (unless there are very drastic deviations from the source material).

There's a fine line authors walk between either simply regurgitating the traditional story in a predictable, pointless paraphrasing of the tale or changing things to the point that it confuses, disappoints, or alienates many readers who, again, are probably reading the book because they like the original version.  Bryony and Roses does a decent job of walking that line.

This is B&tB from a more humorous perspective, compared to Rose Daughter.  (However, it's not exactly a perfect match for my personal sense of humor...)  Though definitely set in magical Fairy-Tale Land, it has a much more modern sensibility than I was expecting.  It also has a faster pace than Rose Daughter-- a definite improvement, imho-- and it feels like there's more interaction between heroine and hero-- another plus.  Though I still didn't feel quite enough intense, building chemistry between the two, at least there was an effort.

The female protagonist (Bryony) is an essentially practical character who stands up for and takes care of herself, but she also has her share of flaws and weaknesses.  (No Mary Sues here.)  Don't read Bryony and Roses expecting major character development, though; the story happens to and around Bryony and the Beast, but it doesn't change them much, beyond their feelings for one another.

Unfortunately, there were several things that annoyed me or made me roll my eyes (which I'll address in the "Specifics" section).  While I liked it well enough, I didn't love this book, I'm sad to say.  It's probably a 3 to 3.5 (out of 5) for me.  I'd probably rank it higher than Rose Daughter, because though that retelling had some beautifully written passages, it also put me to sleep with its slogging pace and a dearth of interaction between Beauty and the Beast.  Going on my memory of McKinley's Beauty, I'd still rate that one the best of the three, but that may be an unfair comparison, since I'm viewing Beauty through the rosy-tinted lens of nostalgia.  (I plan to reread it, one of these days, after I've had time to work up an appetite for more B&tB...)

I'd recommend Bryony and Roses to readers who can't get enough B&tB or fans of fairy-tale retellings with more modern-seeming heroines.


Specifics (with SPOILERS):
--  I'm a gardener, like the author and her heroine, so I probably found that aspect of the book more interesting than would a non-gardener.  That said, some of the gardening bits were just odd or silly or irritating.  For instance, why did she just have to take home pieces of all the plants from her garden at the manor house, even though they all came from plants that she still had in her old garden?  (Seems like a lot of effort for nothing, to be honest.)  Oh, and her ridiculous decision to stop and pull weeds (or whatever) before going inside, when she finally got back home!!

--  It's an interesting angle, to make the rose the "bad guy" of the book.  I don't know that it works particularly well, imho, but it's interesting... And the thornier ones can definitely be mean when you're trying to prune them.

--  The decision to do away with the father character is another interesting choice.  He does bog down the story, sometimes.  In this version, Beauty/Bryony is responsible for her own fate, which is an improvement.

--  There were quite a few instances of crudeness in this book that felt out of place-- and all too often, they were played for juvenile humor.  It starts with Fumblefoot pooping on the floor of the manor house, but it only gets worse from there.  Bryony pees herself the first time she sees the Beast, and as if that's not bad enough, it's referred to again later on (because I guess once wasn't enough).  Then there's the whole thing about how she's not a virgin.  Um, ok.  Good for you?  It seems a really odd thing to include in this story.  Why did it need mentioning at all?  Then there was more "light cursing" than expected... I mean, compared to the last novel I finished (You, by Caroline Kepnes) this was all the tamest of the tame, but still, not what I was expecting.

--  Bryony goes too quickly from wetting her pants in terror to speaking jokingly/sarcastically with the Beast.  A slower transition would've been nice.  As it was, the Beast isn't really very scary at all, and even though Bryony says she's still afraid of him, for a while, it certainly doesn't show in the way she speaks!

--  Far too often, when I was supposed to be laughing at Bryony's wit and humor, I ended up rolling my eyes instead.  And when Bryony describes the Beast to Holly: "And-- and-- he's funny.  Like we are.  Sarcastic."  Just ugh.  You're really not that funny, Bryony.  Not to all of us, at least.

--  When Bryony returns to the manor house, she somehow ends up in a nightgown, in bed with the "man" from her dreams.  Which is pretty weird, since she was fully dressed before that... But ok, whatever.  So she needs to get dressed to go fight the rose and find the Beast.  Well, despite the desperate circumstances, she decides to dress under the sheets because she doesn't want the roses at the window to see her naked.  ...???  Yes, that's very important.  Mustn't have the evil, sentient rose seeing you naked when you're about to fight for your life.  (Bryony's priorities are kind of messed up, is what I'm saying here.)

--  When I read Rose Daughter, I was not altogether pleased with the fact that the Beast kept his beast-form.  Here's part of what I wrote then, and it applies to this book, too (since once again the Beast remains a beast):

I have mixed feelings about this twist. On the one hand, it always felt odd for Beauty to finally realize she loves the Beast, only to have him change into a complete stranger (physically, at least). However, the whole point of the story is that she loves him for his personality/heart/spirit/soul, no matter what his appearance. (You can't judge a book by its cover, etc.) Also, in the original tale, the Beast is only a Beast because he's being "punished"/taught a lesson for his bad past behavior. The fact that Beauty loves him demonstrates that he's grown as a person, and his change for the better is rewarded by the breaking of the spell.  In this version, he hasn't really done anything very wrong, so he's not being punished...

At least in Bryony and Roses there's a more legitimate reason why the Beast needs to keep his beastly body-- he's lived so long as a beast that if he changes back to his frailer human form, he will die almost instantly.  I mean, yeah, it's still just an excuse to keep him a beast, but it's an improvement over the explanations offered in Rose Daughter.

Also, in this version, I guess the Beast is (kind of) being punished for his behavior-- for not loving the sacred birch tree that nursed him back to health-- but it's not quite on the same level as in the classic version, where he's punished (albeit very harshly) for something worse than just failing to love some bizarre magical tree.

--  In the note at the end, the author thanks her editor, who had her remove "about sixty percent of the dashes".  So even if we obviously would have our differences on a number of topics, we have dash addiction in common...  And gardening, of course, though I don't hate roses, even if I do live in a hot, humid climate.

Rose Daughter

Rose Daughter
by Robin McKinley

Publisher's Blurb:

It is the heart of this place, and it is dying, says the Beast. And it is true; the center of the Beast's palace, the glittering glasshouse that brings Beauty both comfort and delight in her strange new environment, is filled with leafless brown rosebushes. But deep within this enchanted world, new life, at once subtle and strong, is about to awaken.

Twenty years ago, Robin McKinley dazzled readers with the power of her novel Beauty. Now this extraordinarily gifted novelist returns to the story of Beauty and the Beast with a fresh perspective, ingenuity, and mature insight. With Rose Daughter, she presents her finest and most deeply felt work--a compelling, richly imagined, and haunting exploration of the transformative power of love.

My Reaction:
I remember reading this author's earlier novelization of the "Beauty and the Beast" fairy tale (Beauty)-- either in middle or high school.  Whenever it was, it left a very positive impression, so I was excited to read another re-telling of the tale, curious about what new spin she might put on things.  It's been so long since I read Beauty that I don't have many definite memories from it (time for a re-read, soon), so I can't make strong comparisons between that novel and this one-- but I'm almost positive that Beauty was far superior to Rose Daughter.

If you're only going to read one, I'd suggest Beauty.  If you're a huge fan of all things B&tB, maybe they're both worth a read.  (But don't go in expecting a tightly plotted page-turner or you'll be disappointed.)


Details (with SPOILERS):
-- My main complaint with this novel is that it drags.  (Some parts had me literally nodding off to sleep!)

There's not enough conflict-- not enough of a driving force.  A few times, there are suggestions that something "big" might be coming up (references to "the curse", for instance), but all too quickly, any hint of drama or excitement fades away.  There are no high stakes-- particularly after Beauty has been living in the Beast's castle for a couple of days.  By then, she knows she's not in any danger from him.  She misses her family, but... Well, honestly, that's kind of boring to read about, after a while.  Besides, she sees them in visions every night, so it's hard for the reader to miss them, even if Beauty does.  (I actually resented their constant intrusion into the story.  How are we and Beauty supposed to get to know the Beast when she spends most of her time either alone in the glasshouse or asleep, dreaming about her sisters?!)

When one of the heroine's biggest problems is finding a source for compost, you know the book's not quite edge-of-your-seat reading.  I mean, I'm keenly interested in gardening right now, and even I found myself tapping my foot with impatience, at some points.

There is never a real, solid enemy, or at least not one who lasts long enough to build up a feeling of dread.  There's the Beast, but of course he turns out to be harmless.  There's the young local nobleman (or whatever he is) who wants to marry Jeweltongue (and tries to cause trouble for her family because she rejects his offer)-- but we hardly see him, and he, too, is almost immediately said to be unable to inflict serious harm.  The most dangerous foe is the wicked sorcerer (Strix?), but apparently he's gone, too.  Even his vengeful spells hover in the distance; they never feel like a serious threat.

-- Then there's the romance (or lack thereof).  "Beauty and the Beast" should always (imho) be a romantic tale.  It's the essence of the story-- that love can exist against all odds.  Fear/hatred turning into understanding; compassion growing into companionship; friendship finally blossoming into love.   But for this startling reversal (from fear to love) to feel genuine, we need to see the characters together more than a handful of times.

This retelling was far to stingy with interactions between the Beast and Beauty.  I'd have happily traded in some of the "other stuff" (animals returning, gardening talk, dreams of her family, descriptions of the castle and Beauty's clothes) for more dialog between the Beast and Beauty.  As it is, it's not easy to care whether they end up together or not.  Beauty is a little too perfect, and as for the Beast, we hardly get to know him!  He doesn't feel real.

-- The author can write prettily.  Sometimes that's enough to hold my attention, but at other times, it feels like rambling.  No series of pretty pictures or fascinating symbols, no amount of interesting contemplation can make up for a lack of plot or dialog.

--  Beauty praises the spider's "most radiant and well-composed web".  Definite Easter egg-ish reference to Charlotte's Web, right?

--  I don't care for the fact that, in this version, the Beast hadn't really done anything to deserve being turned into a Beast.  He made the mistake of going too far in his (~yawn~) pursuit of "philosophy".  Oh, and he told a wicked sorcerer that he "believed magic to be a false discipline, leading only to disaster".   :o/  Another anticlimactic moment.

--  Almost the only suspenseful part of the book comes when Beauty (mysteriously) doesn't remember the Beast's warning about the rose and his impending death as a result of her prolonged absence.  When she finally remembers and manages to get back to the Beast's castle (after the detour to the garden at Rose Cottage), her forward momentum slows to an agonizing crawl.  Ugh!  That whole scene!  Endlessly wandering here and there!  It took forever to read.

-- When we finally get all the explanation that we're going to get, in the form of a disembodied voice in Beauty's head (...snore...), it leaves too much unexplained.  For instance, who was Beauty's mother?  Strix's daughter (or grand-daughter) by one of his mistresses?  ...So, the Beast exiled himself?

-- Then there's the book's biggest twist on the fairy tale:  Instead of returning to his human form upon Beauty's declaration of love, the Beast stays a beast.  It's Beauty's choice, ultimately, and she'd rather live a normal(ish), cozy, mortal life with the Beast in his beastly shape than live a much different, grander, stranger life with the Beast as a handsome, wealthy, powerful philosopher-sorcerer.

I have mixed feelings about this twist.  On the one hand, it always felt odd for Beauty to finally realize she loves the Beast, only to have him change into a complete stranger (physically, at least).  However, the whole point of the story is that she loves him for his personality/heart/spirit/soul, no matter what his appearance.  (You can't judge a book by its cover, etc.)  Also, in the original tale, the Beast is only a Beast because he's being "punished"/taught a lesson for his bad past behavior.  The fact that Beauty loves him demonstrates that he's grown as a person, and his change for the better is rewarded by the breaking of the spell.

In this version, he hasn't really done anything very wrong, so he's not being punished...

However, I'm confused as to why the Beast in his beastly form would behave differently from the Beast in human form.  Why would he be any different as a man than as a beast?  Couldn't he be wealthy and powerful and still be the same good "person" he would be as a beast living at Rose Cottage?  If not-- if his goodness/personality is somehow tied to his physical form... Doesn't that basically fly right in the face of the usual moral of the story?

Why couldn't the Beast return to his human form, but decide to give away all (or at least most) of his earthly possessions to those who needed them, then "disappear" to the relative obscurity of life at Rose Cottage?  Let's be honest; this was just a silly, convoluted excuse for Beauty to live happily ever after with the Beast in beast-form.  (...Is Beauty a furry? ~shudder~)

-- So, ok.  The Beast comes to Rose Cottage-- still in his beast shape-- and everyone is just okay with it?  ...But... I thought the reason he exiled himself was that he was so terrible to look upon.  No animals (except Fourpaws) could bear to be near him, and people weren't too crazy about him, either.  I guess we're supposed to accept the idea that Beauty's love has made him somehow less horrific-looking.  I'm not buying it.

--  The Beast is happily making plans for repairs he'll make to the house and bed (???), but I thought he lacked the dexterity even to eat "like a man".  Of course, though he can't wield knife and fork, he somehow manages to use a paintbrush for his amazing mural on the roof, so I guess consistency in this matter was deemed unnecessary.

--  The author's note includes a mention that the book "shot out onto the page in about six months", which apparently was an extraordinarily brief amount of time.  Interestingly, the author of the last "retelling" I read (Jane, by April Lindner), made a similar comment in a note to her readers.  It seems like a strange, almost boastful remark (one probably best left unwritten) that invites the less charitable among us to consider how much better the book might have been if speediness wasn't considered a virtue...  Only a thought!

-- Positives:  I liked the first part of the book fairly well.  The fact that the sisters actually do things is appealing.  As I mentioned before, I'm thinking a lot about gardening, these days, so I liked that element of the book.  The animals (particularly the dog and cat) are sweet additions to the cast.  Some of the prose and word pictures are quite pretty.

DNF: A Game of Thrones

A Game of Thrones, by George R. R. Martin

Publisher's Blurb:

Long ago, in a time forgotten, a preternatural event threw the seasons out of balance. In a land where summers can last decades and winters a lifetime, trouble is brewing. The cold is returning, and in the frozen wastes to the north of Winterfell, sinister and supernatural forces are massing beyond the kingdom’s protective Wall. At the center of the conflict lie the Starks of Winterfell, a family as harsh and unyielding as the land they were born to. Sweeping from a land of brutal cold to a distant summertime kingdom of epicurean plenty, here is a tale of lords and ladies, soldiers and sorcerers, assassins and bastards, who come together in a time of grim omens.

Here an enigmatic band of warriors bear swords of no human metal; a tribe of fierce wildlings carry men off into madness; a cruel young dragon prince barters his sister to win back his throne; and a determined woman undertakes the most treacherous of journeys. Amid plots and counterplots, tragedy and betrayal, victory and terror, the fate of the Starks, their allies, and their enemies hangs perilously in the balance, as each endeavors to win that deadliest of conflicts: the game of thrones.

My Reaction:
Ugh!  I've dragged this book out for so long that, at this point, I've forgotten exactly where I left off!  The additional fact that I knew the story of this first book before I even started (thanks to the TV series)-- and that the TV series seems to have followed this book (if not the subsequent books) so faithfully... I just can't muster up the enthusiasm to bother about the last bit.  (There probably weren't more than a few small sections left.)

Honestly, I'm simply tired of seeing the title in my "currently reading/listening" list, so I'm calling it a DNF, even though I'm so close to finishing that another hour probably would've done it.

Apart from all that, it is an interesting story.  I just think I'd rather watch it than read (or even listen to) it.  I've heard murmurs of discontent regarding the later books of the series, too, so that makes me even less excited about the prospect of reading them.  We'll see.  I believe that the TV series diverges from the books, on some points, but if I were going to read more of the books, I'd probably try to pick up with the story close to where the program has left off.  It's just dull reading the same material I've already seen, with such a long, involved story.


More Specific Observations:
--So many of the characters are so young!  I prefer the TV series in that respect; most of them look at least a few years older than they are in the book(s).

--The reader was pretty good in many respects, but sometimes the voices he gave characters felt wrong or just plain irritating.  For instance, I couldn't stand the voice the reader gave Tyrion.  He made him sound like a very old man with a rather odd accent... which really made no sense, considering that he's not an old man and neither of his siblings had the same accent.  The eunuch's deep, slobbery voice felt wrong, too.  (Shouldn't a eunuch's voice tend to be higher pitched than average? ...Guess it depends on how old he was/whether his voice had already changed... In any case, it was *totally gross*, and I dreaded hearing him.)

Actually... the eunuch's voice reminded me somewhat of... THIS gem from my childhood:



--How many points of view do we shift among?  It feels like at least seven... Ok, looked it up, and there are eight recurring points of view, plus one more for the prologue.  Sheesh.  No wonder parts of the book seemed to drag.  There's no way that all eight are going to be equally interesting to each reader. 

The Hobbit

The Hobbit, by J. R. R. Tolkien.

(I can never remember the proper order of the i and e in Tolkien's name!)

Tolkien's description of the novel:

If you care for journeys there and back, out of the comfortable Western world, over the edge of the Wild, and home again, and can take an interest in a humble hero (blessed with a little wisdom and a little courage and considerable good luck), here is a record of such a journey and such a traveler. The period is the ancient time between the age of Faerie and the dominion of men, when the famous forest of Mirkwood was still standing, and the mountains were full of danger. In following the path of this humble adventurer, you will learn by the way (as he did) -- if you do not already know all about these things -- much about trolls, goblins, dwarves, and elves, and get some glimpses into the history and politics of a neglected but important period. For Mr. Bilbo Baggins visited various notable persons; conversed with the dragon, Smaug the Magnificent; and was present, rather unwillingly, at the Battle of the Five Armies. This is all the more remarkable, since he was a hobbit. Hobbits have hitherto been passed over in history and legend, perhaps because they as a rule preferred comfort to excitement. But this account, based on his personal memoirs, of the one exciting year in the otherwise quiet life of Mr. Baggins will give you a fair idea of the estimable people now (it is said) becoming rather rare. They do not like noise.

Donald and I read this together in anticipation of the film version that will be released later this year.  Donald had read it before (years ago), but though I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy when I was in middle school, I don't think I'd ever read The Hobbit. 

As usual with books read jointly, I didn't take notes, so I only have general impressions to mention.

--  The story was (mostly) much more lighthearted than the LotR trilogy (even though there was plenty of adventure and many life-threatening situations).

-- Most of the book felt like it was written with a younger audience in mind (again, compared to the LotR).

--  The songs are just as boring as I remember the ones in LotR being.  Boring!  Keep the amateurish poetry out of my prose, please.

--  Gandalf seemed kind of useless, for most of the book.  What good is having a wizard along if all he can offer is the occasional fireworks display?  ;o)

--  I thought the book got dull once the dragon was defeated.  From that point on, I just wanted it to be over.  (And descriptions of battles are not my favorite things to read at all.)

-- Where were some of these characters in the LotR books?  Beorn, for instance. I don't have a very clear picture/map of Middle Earth in my mind-- much less the details of the books-- so maybe they are mentioned, and I've just forgotten.  (Or maybe they're in a totally different part of the world and weren't involved simply because of distance and lack of liaison.)

--  I'll be curious to see how the book is adapted for film and how closely it resembles the other movies in tone.